December 2011
5 posts
“Ah, not to be cut off,
not through the slightest partition
shut out from the...”
– Rilke
“Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.”
– Gary Snyder
your totem
the gods of commerce have stolen your totem
they have stolen your flame
they have stolen your spirit energy
the gods of commerce would make you believe
a jaguar stalking the cold worlds of frozen emotion
is meant to bring you watches and jewelry
made of metals and crystals mined by children surrounded by machine guns
Notes from Spell of the Sensuous
galileo said all is reducible to mathematics, the whole of the universe, triangles, circles, angles descartes: i think, therefore i am YET: science is birthed from and returns to experienced life, the subjective, unnumbered
May 2011
1 post
January 2011
2 posts
“Why is there this everlasting craving to be loved? Listen carefully. You want to...”
– J. Krishnamurti, Think On These Things
December 2010
3 posts
Now I lay me down to sleep
Death has greeted him somehow. He knows it waits for him. Sweet child cries out to his mother before he shifts into slumber, “I don’t want to die, Mommy.”
What answer does a mother provide when the easy one of “Heaven waits for you” isn’t an option.
“Your body will die,” she says. “But your soul, who you have been for eons, forever, will...
Gentleness and sweetness can walk into your house in the guise of a city utilities worker. It can track bits of snow and ice down your stairs and leave behind a gift of love so huge you’re not sure who to thank.
It is words and demeanor and the offer to fetch medicine for your sick boy. It is a compliment on the boy’s reading, because he’s listened as he worked, and heard a...
November 2010
4 posts
She explained to me that our true mind is housed throughout our body.
In desperation, I pointed at my head, “So what’s this thing for?”
She replied, “It’s a loudspeaker.”
Funny I choose to write today
Two months after my last post. I was inspired to write today because in dream last night I was honored by a group of friends, some known, some not, who told me they loved me even as I admitted not knowing something I should know.
Whatever embarrassment I felt was replaced with warmth and a sense of belonging I have not ever felt in my life with a group of people. I keep reaching back into the...
August 2010
4 posts
Another piece of the puzzle
I learned at one point, some point, that I was not lovable as I am. It was drilled in deep enough that it became truth. Others though, were thoroughly lovable and loved. I learned how to slop up the seconds from the love those others were lavished with.
I could watch someone be loved, say a friend, and feel that love as mine. I forgot though that they had worked in some way to make that love...
I have done this. Stepped outside myself, out of discomfort, out of fear, out of just having been trained to judge instead of be. Judged others. Judged myself.
I stop. I breathe. I ask myself, “What are the words I want to transmit here? What am I trying to say?”
In my growth and being, I have come across others who thought I should be more like them. That I should join them on their...
July 2010
7 posts
Opening up to other
I have spent a lot of my life shifting problems and solutions around in my mind like furniture. While this keeps the frantic monkey busy, it solves nothing. It increases my heart rate, makes my breath shallow, and my mouth snappy. I have never gotten a useful course of action from this business.
Somewhere in the last week or more, I’ve grabbed onto the notion that I don’t have the...
John O’Donohue’s blessing,
Beannacht
On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders and you stumble, may the clay dance to balance you.
And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window and the ghost of loss gets in to you, may a flock of colors, indigo, red, green, and azure blue come to awaken in you a meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays in the currach of thought and...
Every time I look at my tumblr description these days I wonder if I should change it. Change it to “Meh…”. I mean, that’s what I have going on. Meh.
Sort of.
It’s just that the magical mystery tour that was my experience a couple years ago has turned into a deep crawl through muck. Two years of intense ashtanga yoga got my body all strong, and then massage therapy...
What comes through
Images, sound, text. They affect me. All of us. Any of us.
It’s why I’ve chosen to be careful about what I look at. What I view could lead to momentous pain. Or incredible nostalgia. Or long flowing sighs of love.
This picture of the flowers. Reminds me of fall. And love. And gentleness. These things don’t come to me in words though. They come in waves of feeling. Like that...
June 2010
1 post
Disengage
I wanted to write. I want to write. And yet, there’s the *big* write and the plain little write. Tumblr posts are the plain little write. All my life though I’ve thought I was headed towards the big write. The magazines, the books, the writer kind of writing. That’s what they told me. Oh, she writes so well. Oh, we’ll read what she wrote. Oh, she made us cry with her...
May 2010
2 posts
More on dreams
June 4, 2009, I dreamed:
i was traveling east, or so i thought, going well until i hit a devastated area of water with tankers & cars and just a huge mess and the road was blocked and i cried and cried at the devastation and the blockage. the immensity to clean it up.
June 8, 2009, I dreamed:
dream last night of the pulsing oxygen zone in alabama, sited on a map, zoom down to train...
Thank you for letters and dreams. Both means by which I visit the dead and the gone, the missing. The belated, aborted goodbyes can now be drawn out for years. Decades now. And so touching and ridiculous and amazing that my heart holds tight to you and you. So tight that you must be part of me by now, my soul growing in rings to encompass your memory, your vibration.
What occurrance, what...
April 2010
8 posts
“Each moment in life is designed perfectly for you and with you by Divine. When...”
– Mother Mary’s Daily Living
Learning to be a student
I don’t think I was ever given the chance to be a proper student. Never given the chance to just fuck up and be ok with the mistake.
A long life lived thinking even the first try has to be the best try.
A long life lived with the ability to even formulate questions broken. I never knew what I should be looking at to ask a question about.
I did know how to listen, take notes, nod my head,...
“The playful behavior of humpback whales is well known and has even been...”
– SeaPics.com
Wrapped tight from birth
Many have been here. Unwinding the layers. Unwrapping the binding tape that holds them close in to their souls. So close it’s impossible to see the enormity of what they are. We are. All of us.
I’ve been assisted past the trauma of emotional, verbal, & sexual abuse. Past rape. Of not being seen. Of being born to a medicated mother, to being pulled out through the birth canal via...
March 2010
14 posts
“Jung gives a beautifully concise expression of how to genuinely be of...”
– Awaken in the Dream by Paul Levy
I know better
I know better than to butter up a juicy idea of joyous wonder and watch you toss it in the air to show me how it lands in the dirt.
I know better than to paint a picture and hang it on the wall to dry and watch you run a finger through it, telling me it’s messed up.
I know better.
Oh, I know better.
Sick. Days of it. A week of it. Did not prepare my body for this rapid seasonal change.
Staying on top of it with homeopathy, elderberry syrup, lemon concoctions, sleep, reiki, and G*irl S*cout cookies.
Sunlight helps.
Birds singing jazzy riffs on spring helps.
Green things poking, popping, and pressing all around helps.
Listening to the non-sequitor logic of children helps.
Today I learned...
“God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.”
– attributed 2 Byron Katie, not sure if correct, but good
It occurred to me that so much of my life has been getting used to pushing this flesh around. What about my life moved me away from the embodiment? And how strange that beings of light would choose this as some sort of lesson? Pull on the yoke of humanity and figure out how to dance with it. Certainly that is a skill and an accomplishment.
Healing
This is what I know. I place my hands on my body to do energy work on myself. What I find is a lock around my sacrum, one at my throat, and one in my head.
In dream, I stood back and looked at my body and saw a giant scar in a V shape originating from my belly, widening as it went up my torso. Deep, cutting through the fascia and fat, the way stretch marks can. It was purple. Deepest and widest...
If it is all a story made up to fill the infinite spaces between particles and waves, I think I can change the storyline from here.
In dream last night, the building shook and shifted. As it did, I became lucid and decided I did not like a shaken and shifted building so I made it level again.
All that matters is that the storytellers in my mind link up to a better story, one that reaches back...
